Saturday, December 5, 2009

question 179

Q. Are there any pickup lines that a guy shouldn't use over Christmas?

A. If you meet a shapely young woman wearing reindeer antlers, Do Not say "Nice Rack!"

Friday, December 4, 2009

question 178

Q. What operation are aging Boomers getting in order to feel young and cool?

A. "Hip" replacements.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

question 177

Q. What will we find different about our life once we have a baby?

A. Before you have a baby, "disposable" means income....

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

question 176

Q. Why are there no penguins at the North Pole?

A. Because they taste like chicken, Ho Ho Ho....

Monday, November 30, 2009

question 175

Q. Why did Columbus cross 49th avenue in Vancouver?

A. he was absolutely, positively, certain without a doubt that this time he had actually discovered India....

Sunday, November 29, 2009

question 174

Q. What does "dogmatic" mean?

A. Dogmatic means an "authoritative, arrogant assertion of unproved or unprovable principles."
The derivation of the word is interesting - the root word, Dog-Ma suggests that the ancients thought that dogmatic people were "sons-of-a-bitch".

Saturday, November 28, 2009

question 173

Q. If an infinite number of monkeys had an infinite number of Blackberries, what would they eventually write?

A. 2B r 0 2B, tht s d ?

Friday, November 27, 2009

question 172

Q. What does a "Bear market" and a "Bull market" mean?

A. In a Bear market, or downward market, the trader grins and Bears it.
In a Bull market, or upward market, the trader grins and Bulls_it.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

question 171

Q. Is Stephen Harper, the Canadian Prime Minister, the Devil?

A. No. The Devil finds work for idle hands.

Monday, November 23, 2009

question 170

Q. How is Canadian English different than English spoken elsewhere?

A. In Canadian English, the word "Saskatchewan" is always preceded by the word "from" and never by the word "to".

Sunday, November 22, 2009

question 169

Q. Brits say that they love football more than Canadians love hockey. Is this true?

A. Canadians love hockey more, it is just that we show it differently. Canadian cities are too far apart for convenient rioting.

Friday, November 20, 2009

question 167

Q. Why did the fox cross the road?

A. He wouldn't tell me. He was too busy wiping the chicken feathers off his muzzle.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

question 166

Q. What epitaph would you write for Michael Jackson?

A. "He may have died, but he'll never decompose..."

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

question 165

Q. Housing prices are so high now - is there a government program to help young people get into a little house in the suburbs?

A. Yes, it is called the Witness Relocation Program.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

question 164

Q. Why did the gangster run around with nothing on under his trench coat?

A. He was looking for a Flash Mob.

Monday, November 16, 2009

question 163

Q. Why are Siamese fighting fish always looking for an excuse to go to war?

A. They love to drive fish tanks.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

question 162

Q. Why did the dog, elephant and fish cross the road?

A. Alphabetical order.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

question 161

Q. With holiday entertaining coming up, there are now so many special diets to accommodate -
diabetics, celiacs, vegetarians, vegans, people with food allergies or religious restrictions -
where do I draw the line?

A. Vampires.

Friday, November 13, 2009

question 160

Q. Who makes Peter Rabbit's adorable little jackets?

A. A hare dresser.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

question 159

Q. In view of massive government cutbacks, how will NASA fund the next phase of the space program?

A. Coming soon, McMoon and McMars....

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

question 158

Q. What inspirational phrase best captures the competitive overspending that characterizes the Olympics?

A. "Go For the Gold!"

Monday, November 9, 2009

question 157

Q. What is causing the epidemic of blindness in snowmen?

A. A rise in the cost of fossil fuels, especially coal.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

question 156

Q. Why did the elephant run amok in the office?

A. No matter how many times he's told purchasing about his preferences, they still got him a computer with a mouse.

Friday, November 6, 2009

question 155

Q. Why did the cow go into the china shop?

A. She didn't. It was a lot of bull.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

question 154

Q. What do deer advice columnists advise their readers?

A. Children should be herd and not seen.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

question 153

Q. Why did the New Age guy cross the road?

A. He was a chicken in a former life.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

question 152

Q. What secret did the glamorous international spy chicken steal from the enemy?

A. I could tell you, but then I'd have to grill you.

Monday, November 2, 2009

question 151

Q. Why do salmon face ravenous bears, swooping eagles, and dangerous rapids to return to the exact spot of their birth?

A. They heard that the Discovery Channel might be filming...

Sunday, November 1, 2009

question 150

Q. What do jellyfish do to relax?

A. They slime into your house and watch TV.
Which is why:
a) your aquarium fish all die.
b) you can never find the remote.
c) you should never eat anything you assume is a jellied salad made by your room mate.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

question 149

Q. What should you say when you see a vampire and a devil together?

A. "Bloody Hell."

Friday, October 30, 2009

question 148

Q. Why did the penguin cross the road?

A. He was on a cultural exchange, and he was certain he was having a much better time than the chicken in Antarctica.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

question 147

Q. What can you say about the sad result of a cross between a ghost and an owl?

A. Boo Who.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

question 146

Q. What do polite vampires send their victims?

A. Fang you notes.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

question 145

Q. What do you get when you cross Gomer Pyle with a hip young person wearing black and looking pale?

A. Golly Goth.

Monday, October 26, 2009

question 144

Q. Why does the caduceus, the ancient symbol for medicine and healing, show snakes crawling up a stick?

A. It was before snakes discovered ladders.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

question 143

Q. When should I not invest in high tech companies?

A. When it is a dot con company.

question 142

Q. What is the scariest thing about Hallowe'en?

A. Walmart, the day afterwards, when the Christmas stuff comes out.

question 141

Q. What should you never say to a woman with PMS and a gun?

A. "Stop me if you have heard this one."

question 140

Q. Why did my friend wear leather boots and spurs, and carry a whip at my wedding?

A. Poor spelling. She thought she was part of the bridle party.

question 139

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. He was a Christian graffiti artist.

question 138

Q. Why do witches always have a black cat riding on the end of their broomstick?

A. In accordance with Federal Aviation Safety regulations, someone on every flight must give a speech in both official languages telling you what to do in the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure.

question 137

Q. Why did the surfer chicken cross the road?

A. To get to the other tide

question 136

Q. Why did the chicken cross halfway across the road?

A. She wanted to lay it on the line.

Friday, October 16, 2009

question 135

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. He could see his ex coming down the sidewalk, and couldn't face another argument about who came first; the chicken or the ex...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

question 134

Q. Is it true that scientists have discovered a new source of earth tremors?

A. Yes. Large urban populations drinking way too much coffee....

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

question 133

Q. Why would one of the guests at my Halloween party spend the entire night talking to a skeleton decoration?

A. Maybe he thought he was chatting up a super model.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

question 132

Q. Why did the gambler cross the road?

A. To bet to the other side....

Monday, October 12, 2009

question 131

Q. What did pumpkin #2 and #3 say about pumpkin #1?

A. "Botox, for sure..."

Sunday, October 11, 2009

question 130

Q. What kind of shoes do skunks wear?

A. High heels.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

question 129

Q. Did anybody ask for seconds at the Teddy Bear Picnic?

A. No, all the bears said they were stuffed....