Wednesday, September 30, 2009

question 121

Q. Why did the musical chicken cross the road?

A. Bach Bach Bach Bach Bach

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

question 120

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. He claimed all the land for Chickendom, set up taxation immediately, forcibly converted everyone to his religion and said it was a lie that the egg was there first.

Monday, September 28, 2009

question 119

Q. What do you call those spiky bras that female creatures wear in video games?

A. Prickly pairs.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

question 118

Q. Why did the chicken from Bountiful, British Columbia cross the road?

A. To get to the other bride...

Saturday, September 26, 2009

question 117

Q. What happened to the squirrel who got an MBA?

A. He moved back to his tree, but he became a branch manager.

Friday, September 25, 2009

question 116

Q. How can I lose 120 pounds in one week, like those people in the magazines?

A. First change your money into British currency....

Thursday, September 24, 2009

question 115

Q. How can I quickly clean the house?

A. Take off your glasses. This also works for wrinkle removal.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

question 114

Q. What profession extorts huge sums of money by inflicting pain, and still has a logo with a big smile?

A. Orthodontists of the Caribbean.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

question 113

Q. What is a pirate's favorite Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young song?

A. "Arrrrrrrr House, (is a very very very fine house...)"

Monday, September 21, 2009

question 112

Q. What do we have to fear from the inevitable Wiener Dog takeover of the World?

A. The first thing the wiener dogs will do is to cut off everyone's legs so that crotches will be easier to smell.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

question 111

Q. Which is "Port" and which is "Starboard"?

A. "Starboard" is almost certainly a show in reruns on the Sci-Fi Channel - whereas "Port" is an important nautical term meaning "the place you need to get your boat back to so you can get off the bloody dangerous ocean".

Saturday, September 19, 2009

question 110

Q. What important contribution to Haute Couture was invented by a pirate and a cyclops?

A. The Hook and Eye.

Friday, September 18, 2009

question 109

Q. If Van Halen had a secret suburban life complete with a soccer mom wife and a cute bratty kid, what would he call the kid?

A. Minivan.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

question 108

Q. Why do little girls insist that their toys must all be hideous pink?

A. So their brothers won't steal their stuff.
Mary Kay Cosmetic cars are probably the least stolen vehicles in North America.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

question 107

Q. Do Canadians leave their senior citizens on ice floes?

A. Now that the icebergs have all melted due to global warming, we have instituted a slightly less cruel alternative - we send them to Miami Beach.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

question 106

Q. In these tough economic times, where is a good place to put your money?

A. Put your money in those thingamajigs on the handles of shopping carts. While it is in there, it is not being ripped off by huge service charges, Ponzi schemes, or dishonest CEOs. Plus you can use the shopping cart to collect bottles if you previously put your money in the stock market.

Monday, September 14, 2009

question 105

Q. What about seal clubbing?

A. Many seals come from remote rural areas and are not ready to deal with the drugs and STDs of the big city club scene.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

question 104

Q. Did the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz ever get a brain?

A. Yes, he started hanging around with zombies.....

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Question 103

Q. Are these expensive cosmetic treatments safe?

A. Yes, Botox can safely be used to keep the wrinkles out of 100% cotton fabrics.
Linen, however, is beyond medical intervention.

Friday, September 11, 2009

question 102

Q. Why do we so seldom see female giraffes in the upper echelons of company management?

A. One word. Pantyhose.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

question 101

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. He was parked on the other side.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

question 100

Q. Why do I see so many snowmen with guns these days?

A. No one seems to have any spare brooms lying around.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

question 99

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. He was jay walking.

Monday, September 7, 2009

question 98

Q. Did King Kong ever have a happy romantic relationship?

A. Although he met plenty of women who didn't seem to mind dating a giant mutant monster, they always broke it off when they found out he had a hairy back.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

question 97

Q. Does wishing on a falling star work?

A. Yes. I call Kevin Bacon.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

question 96

Q. What is the Meaning of Life?

A. Life is gone before you know it. The most important things are Time and People.
I also like the Financial Post.

Friday, September 4, 2009

question 95

Q. What if religions had funny parts?

A. If religions didn't take themselves too seriously then there might someday be hope for art schools.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

question 94

Q. Why can't I wear white after Labor Day?

A. Like many oral traditions, the original wording of this advice has been almost lost.
The original read, "Do not wear white at your wedding after you have gone into labor...."

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

question 93

Q. Why are space aliens always conducting "anal probes"?

A. The Alien who wrote the job description meant 'anal" as in 'thorough' (in the 'anal retentive' sense), and probe as in 'inquiry' or 'study'. Basically, he asked for a thorough study of earth people, but he was misunderstood. As my 8th grade English teacher used to say, "If you allow slang and colloquialisms into your writing, you may start with an innocuous word like "poop", but eventually you will end up will end with shit.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

question 92

Q. How did the stiff, stylized art of the Egyptians evolve?

A. Recent breakthroughs in deciphering hieroglyphics reveal that nearly all of Egyptian art is advertisements for the relief of aches and pains due to arthritis.