Monday, August 31, 2009

question 91

Q. Is it true that there are huge numbers of well organized, well funded people watching our every move and taking pictures of everything we do?

A. Yes. They are called scrapbookers.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

question 90

Q. How do I know if I've "let myself go"?

A. So long as you proofread everything you write, return all your library books, and keep the number of your cats in the single digits, the rest doesn't matter.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

question 89

Q. What is the purpose of art?

A. To make future tourists glad they didn't live in the past.

Friday, August 28, 2009

question 88

Q. Who told the authorities about the librarian's nefarious plans?

A. Never trust a talking book.....

Thursday, August 27, 2009

question 87

Q. What do women really want?

A. Not to be grouped together thoughtlessly by sex as one soulless, homogeneous group with only one desire, but to be treated thoughtfully, as individuals. Failing that, chocolate.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

question 86

Q. Is there anything you can do to prevent your soul being stolen by snapshots?

A. Yes, sell it to the devil first. (See question #12 for details)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

question 85

Q. Why do you write this blog?

A. To avoid exercise in its most insidious forms.

Monday, August 24, 2009

question 84

Q. Is it true that Santa's sleigh was originally pulled by flying clowns?

A. Yes. But he had trouble telling which one was Rudolph.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

question 83

Q. You say that the risks of swine flu are greatly exaggerated. Can you suggest something more realistic for me to worry about?

A. You could worry about losing your superpowers after exposure to Kryptonite.

question 82

Q. Can having your photo taken steal your soul?

A. Absolutely, yes. And you can take it from me that it is not covered by your Householder's Insurance Policy.

question 81

Q. How do snowmen reproduce?

A. They lay their eggs in piles, which are then distributed by unwitting passersby.

question 80

Q. Is anything more annoying than a young child asking "why?" all the time?

A. A young chicken asking all the time, "Why do we cross the road?, why do we cross the road?,
why do we cross the road?...."

question 79

Q. If women are from Venus, and men are from Mars, how can a woman ever get together with a nice young man?

A. Don't worry, men can be found all over the universe.

Q. Is this because of their adventurous, indomitable spirit?

A. Yes, that, and their inability to ask for directions.

question 78

Q. Where did the British tradition of "a stiff upper lip" come from?

A. A history of perseverance in the face of difficulty, and decades of poor dental work.

question 77

Q. Did Gollum ever get over his Ring obsession?

A. Yes, but unfortunately he discovered "My Precious Pony"....

Saturday, August 15, 2009

question 76

Q. Why do wolves howl at the moon?

a. They don't have opposable thumbs, so they can't text message..

Thursday, August 13, 2009

question 75

Q. What killed the dinosaurs?

A. A very persuasive oil company executive with a time machine traveled back in time and convinced the dinosaurs that they all wanted to grow up to be fossil fuels. I know it sounds improbable- until you consider that dinosaurs had brains the size of walnuts, and he brought donuts to the meeting.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

question 74

Q. Did Atlantis actually exist?

A. Yes, but strangely enough it was in the Pacific Ocean off the northwest coast.
It sunk under the weight of its many Starbucks.

question 73

Q. Is there truly an All Powerful Being who answers prayers, gives moral guidelines for living, and dictates texts to read?

A. Yes. Oprah.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

question 72

Q. Do mermaids actually exist?

A. They did. Another unfortunate example of the perils of indiscriminate overfishing.

Monday, August 10, 2009

question 71

Q. What are cows the most proud of?

A. The marketing of their secret invention: "11 Secret Herbs and Spices"...

Sunday, August 9, 2009

question 70

Q. What do fish say when they complain?

A. "It's not the heat, it's the humidity....."

Saturday, August 8, 2009

question 69

Q. Why is the "No Fly List" like flypaper?

A. If you are on either one, it probably means you have bugs in your house.
.... and even if you get on them by mistake, you aren't getting off.

Friday, August 7, 2009

question 68

Q. Is there any use for those long cylindrical knit cords that you make on a spool with four nails?

A. Stuff them down the front of a Ken doll's pants.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

question 67

Q. What can we learn by studying Archeopteryx and the fossils of other "feathered dinosaurs"?

A. We realize that dinosaurs, like the majority of today's modern lizards, probably tasted "just like chicken".

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

question 66

Q. If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it really fall?

A. That depends, is the reason that no one heard it fall because of the constant noise the chainsaws were making?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

question 65

Q. What do unemployed shepherds say?

A. Have you herd?

Monday, August 3, 2009

question 63

Q. What do Eric the Red, Anne of Green Gables, and Pippi Longstocking have in common?

A. Same hairdresser.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

question 62

Q. Why do aliens come to earth so often?

A. Apparently they are looking for clothes.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

question 61

Q. When will my blackhead worries finally be over?

A. If you look carefully at the tiny spots and find that one is actually a super dense black hole of fast collapsing gravitational fields, then your black head worries are over.