Tuesday, June 30, 2009

question 31

Q. Why did Cleopatra take so much time deciding which outfit to wear for her suicide?

A. She wanted to make sure that it didn't make her asp look fat.

Monday, June 29, 2009

question 30

Q. What ever happened to that original "Power of Positive Thinking" guy - the Little Engine that could?

A. He developed a stutter, quit his speaking career, and is finding great satisfaction in dance.
"I think I Can Can, I think I Can Can Can, I think I Can Can Can..."

Sunday, June 28, 2009

question 29

Q. Why do moose have such large palmate antlers?

A. To distract from the weird wobbly things under their chins...

Saturday, June 27, 2009

question 26

Q. Why was the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland so worried about being late?

A. The White Rabbit was a fertile female.

Friday, June 26, 2009

question 25

Q. What does "rebooting" mean?

A. It is the process whereby you kick Bill Gates, twice.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

question 24

Q. What do monkeys worry about?

A. Every day they check their children for worrying signs of evolution.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

question 23

Q. Should I be upset that my son tells people he was raised by wolves?

A. No. You should only be upset if he tells people he was raised by Lhasa Apsos.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

question 23

Q. What tricks do computers teach their human pets?

A. Sit. Stay. Stay.... Staaaayyyyyy....

Monday, June 22, 2009

question 22

Q. My mother always said you should always put Others before Yourself. Is this true?

A. It shows that your mother had a keen grasp of alphabetical order.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

question 21

Q. Should I get a tattoo?

A. It depends. Are you the Michelin Man?

Friday, June 19, 2009

question 20

Q. What did Medusa think about having snakes for hair?

A. She liked the color, but hated the split ends.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

question 19

Q. Should I have spent all my waking hours working for world peace?

A. If World Peace was important to you, you wouldn't have left it entirely in the hands of Beauty Pageant Contestants.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

question 18

Q. Is it true that there are alligators in the sewers of New York City?

A. Yes, It was part of the Bush Administration's plan to relocate victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

question 17

Q. What is the name of that powerful new tool with 140 characters?

A. The U.S Congress.

Monday, June 15, 2009

question 16

Q. If I kiss a frog, is it likely to turn into a Prince?

A. There is a 50% chance it will turn into a princess.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

question 15

Q. Teenagers pack away the food, and never gain weight. Is it true they have hollow legs?

A. The food eaten by teenagers goes into the 16th dimension where it multiplies. It then returns to the teenager's body when he is 50 years of age.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

question 14

Q. Is it true that Rhinoceroses have very poor eyesight?

A. Yes. They make notoriously poor accident witnesses, and many a rhino has unwittingly sold his soul to the devil because he couldn't read the fine print on his software package and just clicked "I accept".

Friday, June 12, 2009

question 13

Q. Is the monarchy still relevant in today's society?

A. Queen Latifah, King Kong, Freddy Mercury, Elvis, and Dairy Queen are still a big part of people's lives.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

question 12

Q. I'd like to sell my soul to the devil. Where can I find him?

A. The devil can be found in almost any building with Neo-Classical Architecture.
(see figure 12, above)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

question 11

Q. Why did Chicken Little think the sky was falling?

A. The top margin was set too big.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

question 10

Q. Is it true that Sea Monkeys can magically come alive, and that they dress in adorable little King outfits?

A. No. You are thinking of Elvis.

Monday, June 8, 2009

question 09

Q. Do you have any advice for vampires?
A. Practice safe sucks.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

question 08

Q. What is the Great God Zeus, King of all the Gods, and Master of Olympus, doing these days?

A. Smiting anyone who calls him "Dr."

Saturday, June 6, 2009

question 07

Q. Do you believe in putting the 'Christ' back into Christmas?

A. I believe in putting the 'God" back into "Godzilla"

Thursday, June 4, 2009

question 06

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. Tell the chicken to just follow the script, and not worry about his motivation.
I hate those Stanislavski's Workshop actors…

question 05

Q. Do celebrities like Brad and Angelina have a basic human right to privacy?

A. Damned if I know. I just put their names in here to get more hits on my blog.

question 04

Q. What really killed President John F Kennedy?

A. A giant asteroid fell from space, throwing up dust, obscuring the sky, changing the climate, and making American politics very murky until recently.

Q. Wasn't that dinosaurs?

A. That's just what the CIA wants you to believe....

question 03

Q. But, really, what if Jane Austen had written porn?

A. "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a large endowment must be in want of a job as a window washer...."

question 02

Q. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

A. An Ent, the Fabulous mythological walking, talking trees from the Lord of the Rings. Then I could kick the ass of whomever had the idea of me being a tree.

question 01

Q. What if Jane Austen wrote porn?

A. Men would know who she is.